She took the standHer time had comeTo describe the screech of tyresThe sudden hit and runShe pulled out from her purseThe mouth organBegan describing all shed seenIn an eerie haunting tuneThe cloudy afternoonThe unexpected turnResulting in the deathOf the pedestrianHow the accident was causedHow the current warAnd all that happens in this worldHas been written in the starsFrom the day that they invented the carShe finished upA little out of breathThe judge stood upAnd threw out all her argumentsHe had a good mind so he saidTo sentence her to deathBut shed suffered quite enoughSaid the counsel for defenceShe stepped out of the courtHappy to be freedFailed to see the laundry vanBearing down at speedAll that happens in this worldHas been written in the starsFrom the day they invented the car

You take the stage youre at your bestTheyve hushed the stalls at your behestYou start your act you sing your songsThe house is packed they sing alongYou seem they say so very gayThe vaudevillian one in a millionThe girls youve loved the times youve knownThe wars you lost that old tromboneAnd now the lines that crease your faceAre wet with tears and hot with greaseYou know your lines but God knows what they areThe vaudevillian one in a millionYoure out of date theyve changed the stylesThey love to hate they hate to smileThey start to stamp they start to booYoure some old man they dont know whoYouve lost your shape youve lost your youThe vaudevillian one in a millionA coffin now appears its very strangeTheyve put it here up on the stageThey push you in the trim is plushIts very grim away youre rushedAnd some lament while others disinfectThe vaudevillianAnd now you take a little napAnd when you wake the stars are blackAnd God is dead and theres this smellAnd youre not feeling very wellIt seems youre dead oh bloody hell!The vaudevillian one in a million

In the era of the hypnoprismIn the wake of the collapsing poundI met a beautiful Algerian travel agentWith a horror of soundIm a little misunderestimatedI can measure up to nothing muchGive me half a chance I am a crippled tigerAnd you are my crutchIve been following a dismal gollumLike a pierrot follows ColumbineAnd theres going to be a horrid harvestWhen the water turns to wineAnd I love you like I love the wrigglyAnd you lick me like a spotted dogYoure my velvet azure from AlgeriaAnd we bone in the fogActs of love on astrakhan carpetsIn the apartment of Salvador DaliWith a white imperial bastard colonistWho looks a lot like meIm a little misunderestimatedI will give you back your piece of cakeIve only eaten one bite of itAnyone could make the same mistakeIf I give you too much informationDefriend me on the next bardoI have a horror of communicationBut I so long to knowIve got a spotty case of alopeciaIve been howling like a haunted dogAnd Ive been having sex in prisonLike a bone in the fogIm at home amongst your sombre reptilesBasking in your garden lairAnd I like to speak the words the tortoise usesTo outfox the hareAnd theres a scent of candle wax on pine conesAnd you look a lot like Sylvia KristelAnd Id like to call you Princess TenderloinOr simply MirabelleIm a little misunderestimatedAnd Im older now than Erza PoundDont check your wallet theres nothing in itIll see you around

Depending on what you want to getIn life there are many etiquettesThe way to get rich is to stitch people upThe way to get laid is to hang around drunksBut theres one thing you must tell yourselfOne principle that comes before all elseIts something your grandfather knewLack of charm can be fatal to youI once knew a pig from BrazilWho was ritually slaughtered then killedThe same thing could easily happen to you and meIf we lack the disarming knackOf being totally charmingI once knew a backbiting bitchWho told lies that made my eyes itchThe reason that shes living stillIs that bitch was too charming to killYes its something your grandmother knew (that ho)Lack of charm can be fatal to you

My computer broke down todayIm going to throw my old friend awayCause the hard disk crashed when the write head parkedIn a quite calamitous wayAnd I wont get the data backAnd I havent backed anything upIve lost a hundred gigs of memoriesThis whole things so fucked upAll my emails to the girlfriendWho later disappearedThe videos of sex with herI still watch to get offGoodbye my old friendMy Photoshop experimentsWith dogs with human headsMy huge harem of pregnant redheadsLying with open legsThe endless masturbation fodderThe Instant Messenger chatsSo goodbye friendsMy computer broke down todayIts a personal tragedyTheres nothing much left of a human beingWithout his memoryIts like Ill never have a life againIts like Ill wander on an endless plainLike my brain and face have been erasedAnd my life has been in vainAll the books that I was writingAll the albums half-composedMy photographs of holidaysIll never take againThe cracked software from Pirate BayBefore the pigs cracked downMy fuckbuddy list no longer existsSo goodbye friends

Oh what fun it is to beAn evil geniusBest friend of BeelzebubAnd EpicurusOld Macdonald had a farmTotally devoid of charmFace it now your other friendsLook really tediousOh what fun it is to knowAn evil geniusWelcome to my secret lairMy evil palaceEvil statues evil fountainsEvil sun on evil mountainsHave an evil glass of wineMade with maliceMay I introduce my wife?Evil AliceWomen are attracted toThe evil geniusProbing for his inner beingThey find his penisHis boudoir philosophyIs such seductive sophistryThe girls will drink his Kool-AidWhen he leaves for VenusOh what fun it is to loveAn evil geniusWho will set you dreaming inA world thats dreamless?Who will earth your discontentYour stubborn meanness?Old Rasputin had a beardThe Etruscans disappearedCircumstantial evidenceOf evil geniusOh what fun it is to beAn evil geniusWho will inherit the mantle ofThe evil genius?Who will take the world overWhen he leaves us?Wholl drag the world up to his levelThe pedestal of subtle evil?Dont believe in groping GodOr groupie JesusOh what fun it is to beAn evil geniusOld Macdonald had a farmThere is no cause for alarmOh what fun it is to beA total geniusSo turn to BeelzebubOr ZoroasterEvils just a way of lifeSo theres your answerCriminal insanityIs such a lovely energyOh what fun it is to beAn evil genius

I say the opposite of what I sayThey call me Mr ConsistencyI climb to the bottom of the top of the hillAnd I open my shirt cause I felt a chillWell I walk on the ceiling and my hair is greyAnd I love the girls so I must be gayIm incredible baby I am a dwarfAnd I walk so tall that I touch the earthYoure beautiful and you know that girlYoure the ugliest girl in the whole wide worldI say the opposite of what I sayThey call me Mr ConsistencyIm an intelligent guy and I hope to findSome fool wholl overestimate my mindAnd youre the most fun I have ever hadEvery minute with you is a drag drag dragAnd youre beautiful baby youre so youngWith your hair so grey and your life so doneAnd I want to make a move so I make to leaveGoing to catch the last train so make a bed for meConsistency I think youll findIs the hobgoblin of small mindsWell I hope its not long till you take my ringBaby how long is a piece of stringBut youre beautiful and a one-off tooTheres an army out there baby just like youYoure so beautiful that Im sorry for youAnd I hope I dont mean what I really doIm a Rum-Tum-Tugger and a human beingWith one eye blind and one eye seeingWell you can walk through the world and walk through the seaBut youll never not find a girl like meBefore and after chalk and cheeseThey all look the same when youre on your kneesMy words are slippery like a snake of soapOn a rope of hope Im strong as oakI have no side I tell no lie cause I am such a sketchy guyIve got a head for heights so I dont look downAnd I love this town so I hate this townAnd I wish you well cause I hear you diedYoure hot as hell you frigid dykeYoure beautiful and here you lieToo dead to live too cold to dieWell I like to have a drink so Im giving it upAnd I want to eat so Im throwing upAnd I want you now and I want you hereBaby some other time maybe next yearI say the opposite of what I sayThey call me Mr Consistency

Whos that car in your driveway?I left a message on your phoneWhos that fool visiting youWhen you said you were alone?Ill smash your rhythm boxYou think I wont dareIll never be backI turn to goThis is your deliveranceIve been living in a boxCant take it any moreYou played me for a foolYoure dancing on my own graveI chose to dieBut theres a place for meFar over the seaAnd its in my mindI turn to goI turn to goI stared at the sunYou have no soulYoull turn to stoneMy heart is coldIll leave this town(Hell leave this town)Ill start again(Hell start again)You think I wont dareIm walking awayJust watch me now!(Just watch him now!)Youll pay the priceIve stared at the sunYou have no soulMy heart is coldIll turn to goIll walk on byIll smash your rhythm boxYou think I wouldnt tryIll never be backMy heart is coldIll turn to goYour tongue is forkedIm not your clownIll leave this townIll start againNow goodbye goodbye girlYoure easy to let goYouve made love with Bill and BenJed and Jeff and JoeRed fluorescent cocktailI smell their sperm on youIll scorch the groundIll scotch the rumour millYou never pulled weightYou never had faithYoull miss me when Im goneJust wait and seeIm out like a shotHow could this happen to me?I stayed in lineI turn to goWhos that car in your driveway?I left a message on your phoneIm not your clownYou have no soulYoull be sorry one dayYou showed no faithJust watch how its doneMy heart is coldI turn to goI stare the stareYou let me downI stayed in lineIm the piggy in the middleYou think I wont dareIll just walk awayJust watch me nowAnd I wont careDont care any moreYoull pay the priceI stared at the sunYou have no soulMy heart is coldMy plan is madeIll walk awayIll turn to goldYou have no soulYour tongue is forkedIll leave this townIll start againI turn to go

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Q: The Man Youll Never Be

I dont care where youve beenI dont care what youve seenUnderneath the mountainsOn the scrotum of the seaI dont give a shit who you areHow you smashed your favourite carAll I see before meIs the man youll never beAnd though I love no otherAnd no others brotherAnd sometimes the technicianIn the art school lavatoryKnow I never betrayed youThough - technically - they slayed youNone of them were half the menThat you will never beYou look strange in the moonlightI wonder if Ive done the right thingTo invite youTo share your bed with meWith the hole in your jacketThe shoe in your pocketOne eye dangling from the socketOf the man youll never beWell you have much to commend youBut who would befriend youWith the alcoholic swaggerNo-ones ever pleased to seeYouve got the eyes of a spiderThe handshake of a miserI guess at least youre pleased youre notThe man youll never beAnd though many refuse youHide from you and try to lose youSome run you overQuite deliberatelyI will not shirk my dutyFor I love you trulyNot for who you areBut for the man youll never beYouve got the lips of a chickenThe tics of a victimThe eyes of a liarAnd the belly of a whaleI dont care what stupid things youve doneHow you stared into the sunWhen all I see increasinglyIs the man youll never beLa la la la la-laLa la la-laLa la la la-laLa la la la la la la laLa-la la laLa la la-laLa la la la-la laLa la la la la la-laAnd though I loved no otherAnd no others brotherAnd the jackass in the record shopWho burns the fake CDsKnow I never despised youSomeones undermined youIts plain to see youre half the manThat you will never be

Lyricist- Dave Rotheray Paul Heaton

Artist- The Beautiful South

Album- Golddiggas Headnodders & Pholk Songs

64 0 0

+10 pts

5 Star Rating 1 Rating

It was '96 in South Carolina, That's the place and not the goddamn year Just sittin' on the porch out at Bobby's place, Just tuggin' on a lukewarm beer. And there i was peepin like an old sidewinder, Just an inch or so above the mud. The first to find out that its rainin' is the last to find ou ...

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Posted on 31 Mar 2025, this text provides information on Golddiggas Headnodders & Pholk Songs related to Dave Rotheray Paul Heaton. Please note that while accuracy is prioritized, the data presented might not be entirely correct or up-to-date. This information is offered for general knowledge and informational purposes only, and should not be considered as a substitute for professional advice.

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